Titus 2 womanhood

Sometimes your heart breaks

Crashing Waves

Psalm 28: 7, The Lord is my strength and my shield; in him my heart trusts, and I am helped; my heart exults, and with my song I give thanks to him.

Psalm 9: 10, And those who know your name put their trust in you, for you, O Lord, have not forsaken those who seek you.

I’m sitting here tonight, spending time with my children, absolutely numb, trying to keep my heart from breaking.

Melancholy, depression, anxiety, fear…it’s very much a part of people’s lives. We’re fallen people living in difficult times. Some days I hurt more than I can say and I wonder just how much a heart can break and keep on beating. The sad part of this is, I’m not unique in this. I’m not alone. I hurt…you hurt, too.

I’m not sure what you might be facing but I’m absolutely certain it’s something. And it’s big, and overwhelming at times. It’s painful. And if you are a believer as I am, you are doing your absolute best to give it to God and not keep snatching it back.

I ache. I ache to the point that sometimes it feels as if I cannot breath. I KNOW God is good and I know He’s sovereign. He absolutely can be trusted and it’s not that I don’t trust Him. I do. I just want to trust Him more. I pray constantly for more trust, more faith.

“I believe. Help Thou my unbelief…” This is so often my prayer.

Can you relate?

Lately everything is just catching up to me, getting to me, breaking my heart, and overwhelming me. I’m not usually this emotionally fragile. But…

There’s far too often a “but” isn’t there. I don’t want that small little word to come between me and trusting the Lord.

I’ve got reasons for hurting…. My health, never good, is getting worse. At times, I think I’m in a downward slope from which I’ll never recover. I’ve been sick for so long now…I have a family to take care of, a house to care for, a business to try to build, writing to do… and I can’t stay up. It overwhelms me. I want to take care of my family but physically, I can’t. Most days, I can’t do even a third of what I need to do. Many days it’s much less

I have a feeling at least some of you understand. I’m so sorry that you do.

Physical weakness makes everything else seem worse than it probably is. Sometimes I think I just can’t handle things a single day longer. But God… He doesn’t give us what we can handle; He gives us what we can’t handle and then He handles it for us. What an amazing God we serve, sisters. Such an amazing and wonderful Lord!

I don’t want to feel overwhelmed. I don’t want to feel as if my heart will shatter into a million pieces. I long to be more faithful, to trust more, to serve Him far better than I do. Sometimes life is overwhelming but God, He is always good.

When I go to bed this evening, I’ll read my Bible and I’ll pray. I love to close out my night with the Lord, just as I start my day with Him. I’ll ask Him to take these burdens that are far too much for me to bear, that threaten to break my heart, and do His will. I don’t know what specifically I should ask Him to do. There’s such pain, so much going on, far too many things for me to figure out. But God, He doesn’t have to figure out how to help me anymore than He has to figure out how to help you. He just does what’s right, for His glory and our good, because He’s God.

This doesn’t mean everything will work out as we hope they will. They usually don’t. Sometimes life is pain for a long, long time. But our Lord, He is there in the pain, sanctifying us and bringing glory to Himself. We can trust Him. We must trust Him.

I don’t want to be facing divorce, to be estranged from some of my children, to see my faithful and good children hurt so much. Those few words I just wrote…they contain more heartbreak than I would have thought I’d ever have to handle. My children… Parental alienation, where one parent lies about another and breaks the natural bond between a mother or father and child, it’s real; I just never thought it would happen to me. I never thought my heart would shatter as it has. But it did. It is. I see no end.

I don’t want to deal with harassment by my husband’s family or to be cursed out and have my children cursed out. I don’t want to be this physically weak, or sometimes nearly fall when I try to stand. I don’t want to have days I’m afraid to eat but I do. And do you know what? It could be far worse.

It can always be worse. You and I, no matter what we are facing, have to remember that.

I don’t want to juggle whether to pay the utilities or purchase food. I don’t want to wonder if our van is going to quit and us not have a way to repair or replace it. We need to move in two months and I don’t see how. I just don’t know what to do or if I should even try. I am tired of wondering if we’ll ever be able to get to some degree of normalcy or stability. I’m so tired of seeing my children struggle.

Our Etsy shop, once a good source of income, now isn’t and I don’t know why. Our finances keep taking hits with our income being cut by a quarter, health issues and van problems and so much more just keep on taking huge chunks out of what is left.

It’s just all so exhausting. And all so overwhelming.

I just don’t know. You may know how this feels. Perhaps your story is similar to mine or perhaps you have another story altogether but you know what it’s like to struggle, to wonder if it’s ever going to get better. What we have to remember is even though we want things to get better, this isn’t necessarily what God has planned for us. We have to trust Him.

I pray to trust Him.

We’ve been striving for normal for so very long but, having started from nothing…severe abuse and financial neglect by the head of the household leaves his family with nothing…and with endless mountains to climb, with setback after setback, and needing everything from towels to furniture when we started, all I know, all I can say is we’re not where I want to be but the Lord…He has blessed us so much. He truly has been our Provision.

My hope and prayer is that I will keep my eyes on the Master of the waves rather than on the waves themselves. I pray this for you, too, sweet sister. Whatever is going on in your life, keep your eyes on the Master. We cannot trust our heart to guide us but He can always be trusted. The Lord is good always and in all ways, no matter what we are facing. We just have to remember that.

Soli Deo Gloria!

Photo by Ray Bilcliff from Pexels

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3 Comments

  1. BibleGuy says:

    An old post I did. As a disabled guy born with cerebral palsy for His glory see John 9:1-3. See this verse. Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me. And He has said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.” Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ’s sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.
    — 2 Corinthians 12:8-10

    I don’t know what it’s like to have what you have. I have gone through trial from surgeries to were afterwards it hurt so bad I cried and only a shower would help that was from the last surgery decades ago to the deaths of loved ones including grandma or a kidney stone. Our Lord Himself said we would have tribulation John 16:33 we don’t live our best life as Joel Osteen says. But what everyone of us goes through is temporary one day He will take us home and Jesus is come back take heart my friend.

    God is sovereign over our lives and it’s by His will that say for example I get hit by a bus and die it’s by His will that anything happens to us and it’s for His glory John 9:1-3. We serve a powerful and sovereign God.

    I look forward to the day when all believers and I with my new body and cerebral palsy free legs hear Jesus say BibleGuy run to me and I run up and hug him and every believer I know even online believers like you and others from WordPress and Gab.

    I gave this to Teri after she had covid reworded it thought you could use some encouragement my friend and dear sister God bless you by His sovereign hand.

    1. Anna says:

      Thank you so much for sharing this with me, dear friend. It’s encouraging, powerful, and beautiful. Thank you for always glorifying our Lord. And thank you so much for your friendship. On that Great Day, we will worship our Lord together and enjoy the fellowship and rejoice forevermore. Have a blessed day, dear friend. Soli Deo Gloria!

  2. BibleGuy says:

    Hi your welcome my friend feel free to keep it saw your post about your son my note applies to that as well I believe. Looking forward to worshipping our Lord together. You have a blessed day too.

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